I am learning more about myself daily, as I am sure you are as well. Today I began my day as I usually do and proceeded with the typical way I live my life. I did wake up especially early this morning though. 4:30am came early considering I went to bed so late last night. By late I mean I went to be around 11:30 - 12. Going to sleep that late, I would usually sleep in much later than 4:30am, but not this morning, for whatever reason. Well, I got up, took my dog out and came back in to sit in front of my computer, played some video games and watched some movies/videos online. I have always enjoyed a good "reaction video" so I took a stroll down that field this morning. I am always intrigued with how someone from a different walk of life will react to some specific song or something.
I started watching a man, probably in his mid 50's reacting to Eminem videos. I was struck with how open minded he was, and realized how emotional Eminem's songs make me. I began to think about empathy. I believe I have a "gift" of empathy and have the "abililty" to feel someone else's pain. Now, if you know anything about Eminem in his younger years, he was always full of anger and his lyrics, though not family friendly per say, we always hear his truth from his perspective. I find myself empathizing and becoming very emotional, hurt, and even upset at the idea of this things he went through. Well, eventually this took me on a route to NF. If you don't know who he is do a little reaserch if you'd like. His lyrics hit me like a ton or bricks. Not because I share his struggles, but because I empathize with him and where he came from. I don't want to even think what it must be like to not have my mom, but to watch your mom essentially kill herself with drugs... I don't want to imagine. Anyway, here are some thoughs...
NF is an artist I have have been reluctant to listen to his music for one reason or another, but this morning I came back across his song called "Mansions" and it hit me a little different than before. Take a moment and scroll to the bottom, it should be linked there. It is a song about a mansion, aka his mind. Most of it is just a song because I wasn't abused or dealt with drugs and all that. But there is a part towards the end that caught me. I am gonna post a few lyrics and I will expand upon them one by one.
"Yo, my mind is a house with walls, covered in pain
See, my problem is, I don't fix things, I just try to repaint
Cover 'em up, like it never happened, say, "I wish I could change"
Are you confused? Come upstairs and I'll show you what I mean
This room's full of regrets, it just keeps getting fuller, it seems
The moment I walk into, it's the same moment that I wanna leave
I get sick to my stomach every time I look at these things
But it's hard to look past when this is the room where I sleep"
The lyric speaks for itself. It makes me realize that this is exactly what I do. I don't drink or do drugs or even any tobacco products so I have never used those as outlets. But I have realized that I don't really deal with problems, I just shove them into this room in my mind and never open it up when others "visit" but when I am alone, I spend all my time in that room and I hate it.
So this part of my house, no one's been in it for years
I built a safe room and I don't let no one in there
'Cause if I do, there's a chance that they might disappear
And not come back, and I admit, I am emotionally scared
To let anyone inside, so I just leave my doors locked
You might get other doors to open up, but this door's not
'Cause I don't want you to have the opportunity to hurt me
And I'll be the only person that I can blame when you desert me
I would say that this part of my house is the room where love is located. Now, I don't mean I don't love people. Of course I love my family and friends, but true LOVE... I question if I am even capable of it anymore. I have dated here and there, and for some reason it never works out. Am I looking for an out so I don't have to let anyone see this room? Because if they see this room, they get to see the other room I spend so much time in, and that literally terrifies me. I am so imperfect and hurt, I'd rather not deal with it honestly.
I'm barricaded inside, so stop watchin'
I'm not coming to the door, so stop knockin', stop knockin'
I'm trapped here, God keeps saying I'm not locked in
I chose this, I am lost in my own conscience
I know that shuttin' the world out ain't solvin' the problem
But I didn't build this house because I thought it would solve 'em
I built it because I thought that it was safer in there
But it's not, I'm not the only thing that's livin' in here
"God keeps saying I'm not locked in, I chose this, I am lost in my own conscience". This lyric is exactly how I feel. I understand 100% that me being lonely is a choice, but I would rather be lonely than hurt or allow someone to disappoint me. I am actualyl scared of any more hurt or pain.
Fear came to my house years ago, I let him in
Maybe that's the problem, 'cause I've been dealing with this ever since
I thought that he would leave, but it's obvious, he never did
He must have picked a room and got comfortable and settled in
Now I'm in a position, it's either sit here and let 'em win
Or put him back outside where he came from, but I never can
'Cause in order to do that, I'd have to open the doors
Is that me or the fear talking? I don't know anymore
I love so much that this part of the lyric defines fear as a "him". I let fear in a long time ago, and I hold on to him. I am more in fear than ever before, and this is something I am learning about myself as I am tying this. I don't want to let him win anymore, but I also don't know how to kick him out. I don't mind opening the doors anymore, because it seems to let the room air out and allow new things in, I have to open the doors.
It's lonely
Inside (inside), inside (inside)
It's lonely (it's lonely)
Oh, yeah, it's lonely
Inside this mansion
It is very, very lonely inside this mansion.
I am just gonna end this here. I have some things to think about.
Josh.
I started watching a man, probably in his mid 50's reacting to Eminem videos. I was struck with how open minded he was, and realized how emotional Eminem's songs make me. I began to think about empathy. I believe I have a "gift" of empathy and have the "abililty" to feel someone else's pain. Now, if you know anything about Eminem in his younger years, he was always full of anger and his lyrics, though not family friendly per say, we always hear his truth from his perspective. I find myself empathizing and becoming very emotional, hurt, and even upset at the idea of this things he went through. Well, eventually this took me on a route to NF. If you don't know who he is do a little reaserch if you'd like. His lyrics hit me like a ton or bricks. Not because I share his struggles, but because I empathize with him and where he came from. I don't want to even think what it must be like to not have my mom, but to watch your mom essentially kill herself with drugs... I don't want to imagine. Anyway, here are some thoughs...
NF is an artist I have have been reluctant to listen to his music for one reason or another, but this morning I came back across his song called "Mansions" and it hit me a little different than before. Take a moment and scroll to the bottom, it should be linked there. It is a song about a mansion, aka his mind. Most of it is just a song because I wasn't abused or dealt with drugs and all that. But there is a part towards the end that caught me. I am gonna post a few lyrics and I will expand upon them one by one.
"Yo, my mind is a house with walls, covered in pain
See, my problem is, I don't fix things, I just try to repaint
Cover 'em up, like it never happened, say, "I wish I could change"
Are you confused? Come upstairs and I'll show you what I mean
This room's full of regrets, it just keeps getting fuller, it seems
The moment I walk into, it's the same moment that I wanna leave
I get sick to my stomach every time I look at these things
But it's hard to look past when this is the room where I sleep"
The lyric speaks for itself. It makes me realize that this is exactly what I do. I don't drink or do drugs or even any tobacco products so I have never used those as outlets. But I have realized that I don't really deal with problems, I just shove them into this room in my mind and never open it up when others "visit" but when I am alone, I spend all my time in that room and I hate it.
So this part of my house, no one's been in it for years
I built a safe room and I don't let no one in there
'Cause if I do, there's a chance that they might disappear
And not come back, and I admit, I am emotionally scared
To let anyone inside, so I just leave my doors locked
You might get other doors to open up, but this door's not
'Cause I don't want you to have the opportunity to hurt me
And I'll be the only person that I can blame when you desert me
I would say that this part of my house is the room where love is located. Now, I don't mean I don't love people. Of course I love my family and friends, but true LOVE... I question if I am even capable of it anymore. I have dated here and there, and for some reason it never works out. Am I looking for an out so I don't have to let anyone see this room? Because if they see this room, they get to see the other room I spend so much time in, and that literally terrifies me. I am so imperfect and hurt, I'd rather not deal with it honestly.
I'm barricaded inside, so stop watchin'
I'm not coming to the door, so stop knockin', stop knockin'
I'm trapped here, God keeps saying I'm not locked in
I chose this, I am lost in my own conscience
I know that shuttin' the world out ain't solvin' the problem
But I didn't build this house because I thought it would solve 'em
I built it because I thought that it was safer in there
But it's not, I'm not the only thing that's livin' in here
"God keeps saying I'm not locked in, I chose this, I am lost in my own conscience". This lyric is exactly how I feel. I understand 100% that me being lonely is a choice, but I would rather be lonely than hurt or allow someone to disappoint me. I am actualyl scared of any more hurt or pain.
Fear came to my house years ago, I let him in
Maybe that's the problem, 'cause I've been dealing with this ever since
I thought that he would leave, but it's obvious, he never did
He must have picked a room and got comfortable and settled in
Now I'm in a position, it's either sit here and let 'em win
Or put him back outside where he came from, but I never can
'Cause in order to do that, I'd have to open the doors
Is that me or the fear talking? I don't know anymore
I love so much that this part of the lyric defines fear as a "him". I let fear in a long time ago, and I hold on to him. I am more in fear than ever before, and this is something I am learning about myself as I am tying this. I don't want to let him win anymore, but I also don't know how to kick him out. I don't mind opening the doors anymore, because it seems to let the room air out and allow new things in, I have to open the doors.
It's lonely
Inside (inside), inside (inside)
It's lonely (it's lonely)
Oh, yeah, it's lonely
Inside this mansion
It is very, very lonely inside this mansion.
I am just gonna end this here. I have some things to think about.
Josh.
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